The Paranoid Style Podcast
The Paranoid Style Podcast
TPSPPS - George Washington
This week The Paranoid Style Podcast is hailing to the chief, star spangling our banners, and mostly re-listening to the Hamilton soundtrack because in this episode we present the first of a new series that we are calling The Paranoid Style Podcast’s Presidential Series or TPSPPS! And what better place to start than the very beginning with El Numero Uno, ol' Crispy Wig himself, General George Washington!
From the felling of that fateful cherry tree to the ghastly nightmare that was his teeth. From the Freemasons to the possible Illuminati imposter GW. From blood sucking vampires to bloodletting doctors. And what's this? An actual conspiracy! Come listen to The Paranoid Style's take on the one dollar founding father. Advisory: No actual accents that occur on the planet Earth were harmed in the recording of this episode.
If you have any topic suggestions for the show or any tales to share, please email us at theparanoidstylepod@gmail.com and follow us on Instagram @theparanoidstylepod or on twitter @style_paranoid.
Music used in this episode is from: Purple Planet Royalty Free Music and Hail to the chief : Department of Air Force : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive
Opening theme music provided by Tony Molina. You can hear more of his music at https://tonymolina650.bandcamp.com/
CCK: Hey Sister!
ARK: Hey Sister! And Hey Listener! Welcome to The Paranoid Style Podcast where my sister and I struggle to fish out some context and explanations about various conspiracy theories, weird mysteries and high-strangeness from the sea of insane crap floating around the internet.
CCK: Good luck with that! My name is Christine and when I ran for student government my sophomore year of high school my slogan was Veni, vidi, Vici, I came, I saw, I conquered because I was taking Latin at the time and also had delusions of grandeur.
Ark: my name is Amanda…XXX…Call to Action:
CCK: Today marks the inaugural episode of the Paranoid Style Podcast’s Presidential Series or TPSPPS!
ARK: It rolls off the tongue.
CCK: We will be covering fun facts, boring dates, myths, legends, first ladies, vice presidents, conspiracy theories and even a few conspiracy facts about American Presidents. And first up, here comes the General, the pride of Mount Vernon, Amanda, tell me what you know about, George Washington!
ARK: George – No middle name – Washington was an impetuous Pisces born on February 22, 1732 in rural Virginia back when it was still part of the British colonies. Hellohoroscope.com tells us that people born on Feb 22 “have a gift of spirit and mental ability that is unusual. They take an interest in a wide number of issues from topics that concern metaphysics, philosophy and the way that the universe is built. They are benevolent and sympathetic to be around, hearty and are usually surrounded by many friends. They can be trusted with the deepest secrets, and they won’t fail the trust of anyone.
CCK: uh…anything else.
ARK: Oh yes, elected to office in 1789 after leading the Continental Army to victory over Britain in the Revolutionary War, Washington was the first president of the United States of America.
CCK: Or was he?
ARK: Or was he! He was. There are those who make the argument that the first president was actually John Hanson, a founding father and merchant from Maryland. In 1781, Hanson was elected as the first president of Congress after the Articles of Confederation were signed.
CCK: The articles of the confederation documented rules for how the existing 13 colonies would interact in their super friends justice league but it did not allow for a strong centralized government. And the actual office of "President of the United States" was not created until the Constitution was signed in 1787, 4 years after Hanson’s death.
ARK: On the internet, you will also find posts asking, was John Hanson the first black president? As stated he wasn’t the first president and he wasn’t black. The John Hanson who was part of the continental congress was born into a wealthy family of tobacco planters in 1721 and he kept 11 enslaved people on his plantation slash labor camp. The misunderstanding arises from the fact that there was an African American Liberian senator with the exact same name who was born in 1791, 7 years after the continental congress John Hanson died. Liberian Senator John Hanson was an early emigre and supporter of the Liberian nation in West Africa. The colony of Liberia was established in 1822 as a refuge for black Americans freed from enslavement and became its own country in 1847.
CCK: Confusion and deeply incorrect assumptions are a great segue to our next segment “Presidential MYTHBURSTERS!” *pew pew pew – air horn***
ARK: You mean mythbusters?
CCK: Shh! You want to get sued? [Groundkeeper Willie accent]
ARK: Oh, sorry, continue.
CCK: Myth #1 – Did tiny George Washington refuse to tell a lie about chopping down his father’s favorite cherry tree?
ARK: George Washington’s father had a favorite cherry tree? People really were hard up for entertainment before Netflix.
CCK: The story goes that when George was six years old he received a hatchet for a gift.
ARK: Sheesh, might as well have given him a tide pod and said bon appetite.
CCK: George allegedly used his gift to hack down a cherry tree. When his father demanded to know who had cut the tree down, George confessed and his father hugged him and told him his honesty was worth 1000 such trees.
ARK: This story is most probably false. The first appearance of the story was in the fifth edition of a biography about Washington entitled, “The Life and Memorable Actions of George Washington” written by a minister-turned-travelling bookseller named, Mason Locke Weems. The first edition of the book came out a year after Washinton’s death and was filled with stories about his childhood and personal life. Little is known about Washington’s actual childhood or his relationship with his father, Augustine, who died when Washington was only 11. So it appears that Mr. Weems amped up the heartfelt anecdotes to move more books and teach children valuable lessons.
CCK: Moral Lessons?
ARK: No, how to ask for a hatchet for Christmas by saying that George Washington got one when he was only 6 and he made it to the highest office in the US.
CCK: Valid argument. Myth #2 – One time, Jefferson turned to Washington and said, “George, you have the crispiest wigs in government.” To which George Washington replied, “This is my hair. This is my hair, I don’t wear wigs. This is my hair.”
ARK: Though the conversation Christine just described is stolen from an Alaska Thunderfuck video called This is my hair, George was once again telling the truth. That crispy white synthetic hard-front we know and love from numerous paintings and currency was in fact his own hair. It was a military style called a queue that was the 18th-century version of a buzz cut. Washington’s hair was pulled back into a pony tail, the sides were puffed out and curled and then the whole thing was powdered white. Pomade was most likely used to hold the curls and powder in place but the Mount Vernon museum has in its collection a small silk pouch that Washington used to tie over his ponytail while dancing to avoid sprinkling white powder on his jacket. Washington’s actual hair was a light reddish brown according to biographers.
CCK: Myth #3 – George Washington was the Anthony Fauci of smallpox.
ARK: That one is true. Smallpox is a highly contagious illness that is passed from person to person. Coughing and sneezing by infected people produce tiny droplets that are easily ingested by the virus's next victim. Victims develop a high fever and a red rash on the tongue and in the mouth after an incubation period of up to two weeks. The rash quickly spreads across the body, resulting in pustulating lesions. Around one-third of those infected with smallpox died. For those that survived, many were left with severe scarring from the pox.
CCK: Washington himself had contracted smallpox in Barbados in 1751 when he was 19. He was there with his brother Lawrence who was trying to recuperate from another serial killer of the time, tuberculosis. Washington experienced a relatively mild case, but still required weeks of recovery even as a healthy 19 year old.
ARK: In 1777, while commanding the Continental army George Washington made the controversial move to have all the soldiers under his command inoculated against smallpox infection using a technique called variolation.
CCK: Variolation got its name from the variola virus which causes smallpox. The concept of variolation was first introduced in America by an enslaved African man named O-ness-i-mus. O-ness-i-mus was purchased in 1706 at auction in Boston and given as a present to Minister Cotton Mather. After an especially devastating smallpox outbreak in Boston in 1721, O-ness-i-mus explained to Mather how he had been inoculated against small pox through variolation. Variolation involved the doctor cutting an incision in the flesh of the person being inoculated and implanting a thread laced with live pustular matter into the wound.
ARK: The process was less virulent but not without issues. Variolation still had a case fatality rate of five to 10% but that was better then the smallpox death rate. Another downside was the fact that even with a mild case people who had been inoculated required two to four weeks of bed rest. British troops had some natural immunity due to the endemic nature of smallpox in Europe and had even used smallpox as a biological weapon in early battles with Native American tribes and against the American troops in the beginning of the Revolutionary War. By the end of 1777, 40,000 American troops had been inoculated.
CCK:Myth #4 – George Washington had wooden teeth. - False It’s soooooo much worse than that…
ARK: George Washington had dental troubles his whole life as a result of various illnesses and the medicines used to try to cure the illnesses. Washington's letters and diary entries reveal regular references to aching teeth, lost teeth, inflamed gums, ill fitting dentures and a variety of other dental woes. His financial records show payments to dentists for purchases of toothbrushes, teeth scrapers, denture files, toothache medication and cleaning solutions.
CCK: Despite his best efforts his last remaining tooth was pulled by Dr. John Greenwood in 1796. Greenwood kept the tooth as a memento and had it hanging from his watch chain in a gold locket.
ARK: A set of George Washington false teeth are on display at the Mount Vernon museum and they are truly a horror. Large brownish colored teeth are set in to a metal and spring contraption. The brownish color of the teeth is probably what led to the idea that they were made of wood. The teeth are actually a combination of some of Washington’s actual teeth that were pulled, teeth from enslaved people, cow and horse teeth, and possibly elephant ivory. There is an entry in Washington’s financial records that shows the purchase of nine teeth from enslaved people at Mount Vernon. Martha Washington also wore dentures.
CCK: Cute couple. My teeth are starting to ache, can we move on? Welcome to the Quotation Roundup, where we do our best George Washington impressions!
ARK: We what now?
CCK: At 6 foot 2 inches tall, George Washington seems like he would have had a deep voice, but Washington suffered from pleurisy as a child which is a viral infection of the linings of the lungs, and because of this he spoke in a high and breathy voice. Washington’s contemporaries often described him as soft-spoken. In 2005, a linguist from Eastern Michigan University Herbert Stahlke stated that:
“GW was born in 1732, at a time when there wasn’t a clear ‘American accent’. We begin seeing references to “American English” around 1750. Washington would probably have spoken an upper class English that might have had some similarities to modern Virginia Tidewater, but he would have sounded distinctly different from anything you would consider Southern today.
ARK: What does that mean?
CCK: We are about to find out! Alright sister you take the first quote!
ARK: “Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder.” […]
CCK: […] My turn… (Sir Lawrence Olivier – You have chosen wisely) “It is better to be alone than in bad company.” Thank you, Next!
ARK: "It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one." Your turn.
CCK: “Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence—true friendship is a plant of slow growth.” Tag you’re it!
ARK: “My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her.” Whoa, Oedipus get a room!
CCK: George Washington’s mother Mary Ball Washington looked disturbingly like her son in drag.
ARK: You better work! Speaking of the women in Washington's life any interesting Martha goss?
CCK: Well, hold on to your socks sister! Martha Washington was eight months older than George!
ARK: okay…and…
CCK: Unlike many women of her time in Virginia she learned to read and write?
ARK: Witch!
CCK: She had a first husband before Washington!
ARK: Slightly more interesting…
CCK: Martha married Daniel Parke Custis in 1750. Custis was 20 years Martha senior at 38 to her 18. They had four children all of whom Martha outlived and Custis died in 1757 after a short illness.
ARK: I was wrong not more interesting.
CCK: Martha married George in 1759. It’s not clear when they first met though possibly it was while Martha was still married to Daniel Custis. After she was widowed George went out of his way to visit her while on a trip to Virginia. Martha married for love as she did not need money having inherited 17,000 acres of land worth more than 40,000 pounds from Custis.
ARK: Well you weren’t lying about the boring facts. Was his vice president any more interesting?
CCK: Oh, you mean John Adams! Why yes he was but as he was also president we’re going to save that for a future presidential episode.
ARK: OK so are we calling this one?
CCK: Sister, did you think I’d really pick a topic that didn’t have some cuckoo pants conspiracy theory related material for you?
ARK: I cannot tell a lie, I thought you did.
CCK: George Washington founding father of the United states was a freemason!
ARK: Thank God!
CCK: As we mentioned previously in our Denver airport episode, Freemasonry or Masonry is the oldest and largest fraternal organization…
ARK: Sausage fest
CCK:…in the world
ARK: Allegedly
CCK: that dates back to the stonemason guilds of the 13th century. They are located worldwide, organized into lodges and members work to attain knowledge to progress through three rank levels, Apprentice, Journeyman and Master Mason. Masonry requires that members believe in a Supreme Being, Believers choice and in a future existence. All masons are equal regardless of class or wealth. The knowledge they gain is broken into degrees, with the third degree being the highest level.
ARK: Wait a minute! Didn’t we say before that the 33rd degree was the highest level?
CCK: Oh my God we’re having a soupçon of soupçons in real time! I did previously say that the 33rd level was the highest but this is a common misunderstanding that I misunderstood. The third degree, which makes you a master Mason, is actually the highest level. The other 30 levels are part of the Scottish Rite of masonry which is a subgroup of the Freemasons that master Masons may choose to join or not.
ARK: People have long been suspicious of Freemasons, due in part to the secrecy of their rites and teachings. It also doesn’t help that the Catholic Church in 1738 condemned freemasonry and has since issued around 20 decrees against the fraternity. In 1983 Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, who went on to become Pope Benedict the 16th reaffirmed this position. The Catholic Church were suspicious that Freemasonry was a type of religion. Though the Freemasons do not welcome atheists in their ranks they don’t prescribe any particular religious belief, they only require that you have one.
CCK: Another reason for suspicion maybe that many powerful men throughout history have been members. However most of the founding fathers were not Freemasons.
ARK: Two of America’s earliest presidents, George Washington and James Monroe were Freemasons. As were Ben Franklin, John Hancock and Paul Revere but of the 56 people who signed the Declaration of Independence only nine were confirmed Masons. But you wanna know who was a freemason, completely unrelated to presidential history?
CCK: Do I!
ARK: Comedian and America’s sweetheart Richard Franklin Lennox Thomas Pryor the 3rd. Pryor was made a Mason at Henry Brown lodge #22 in Peoria IL Though how committed he was to the Masons is not clear.
CCK: Washington wrote about being a mason:
George Washington: Being persuaded that a just application of the principles, on which the Masonic Fraternity is founded, must be promotive of private virtue and public prosperity, I shall always be happy to advance the interests of the Society, and to be considered by them as a deserving brother.
CCK: The Masons were obviously delighted to have the first president amongst their ranks. In 1910 the George Washington Masonic National Memorial Association was formed and in 1932 they dedicated the great Masonic Memorial to Washington in Alexandria, Virginia. Alexandria-Washington Lodge No. 22 holds many valuable Washington artifacts and continues to hold active meetings. The Washington exhibit at the lodge is open to the public seven days a week and features a spectacular view from the top of its 333 foot tower.
ARK: Probably George Washington’s most significant Masonic moment occurred on September 18, 1793. Acting as grand master pro tem (pro-tem meaning, for the time being), he presided at the Masonic ceremonial laying of the United States Capitol cornerstone. A delegation of Masons in full regalia accompanied Washington on a procession from the construction site of the White House to the construction site of the US Capitol. Based on newspaper articles at the time we know that Washington placed an inscribed silver plate under the cornerstone at the southeast corner of the building and corn, wine and oil were poured over the stone in keeping with Masonic tradition. Washington wore a Masonic apron and sash that had been embroidered several years earlier by the Marquis de Lafayette.
CCK: Everyone give it up for America’s favorite fighting Frenchman!
ARK: It’s not clear if that meant the southeast corner of the Senate wing, the first section of the building to be completed, or the southeast corner of the whole building as intended which would locate it over on the House side. More than two centuries later the architect of the capital is still searching for that cornerstone. Metal detectors have failed to locate the silver plate.
CCK: Very weird. And you will be delighted to know that it gets very weirder. One of the most far out George Washington related conspiracy theories posits that George Washington wasn’t in fact George Washington at all!
ARK: Was he an ancient alien?
CCK: No.
ARK: Lizard Man?
CCK: Warmer.
ARK: Was he actually the Illuminati’s founder, Johann Adam Weishaupt? Who assassinated the real Washington and replaced him in 1785?
CCK: Oh…so you’ve heard this one…
ARK: this one what?
CCK: Nevermind. Talk to me about the Illuminati.
ARK: The origins of the Illuminati start with our friend Johann Adam Weishaupt, known as Adam, who was born in 1748 in Ingolstadt, a city in the Electorate of Bavaria which is now part of modern-day Germany. Weishaupt, was a German law professor and philosopher who believed in Enlightenment values and formed the lluminatenorden otherwise known as the Bavarian Illuminati, to promote those ideals among elites recruited into membership. His alleged aims were to instill reason, generosity, and other secular ideals in Illuminati members so that they could influence political decisions after they gained power.
CCK: The Illuminati quickly made themselves unpopular with the Catholic Church, the Bavarian government and the Freemason’s themselves, because the Illuminati were trying to cull members from the Masons. The group was reportedly torn apart by internal dissent, the Rosicrucians, and a Bavarian government edict in 1785 banning secret societies.
ARK: But 13 years later, all the way in the USA, in a letter from George Washington dated September 25, 1798 to one Reverend G.W. Snyder who had sent him a book about the group by John Robison, entitled “Proofs of a Conspiracy”, Washington addresses the rumors that the American Masonic organizations had been infiltrated by the Illuminati. From Washington’s letter:
George Washington as (Robert Shaw – Jaws): I have heard much of the nefarious, and dangerous plan, and doctrines of the Illuminati, but never saw the Book until you were pleased to send it to me. The same causes which have prevented my acknowledging the receipt of your letter have prevented my reading the Book, hitherto; namely, the multiplicity of matters which pressed upon me before, and the debilitated state in which I was left after, a severe fever had been removed…I believe notwithstanding, that none of the Lodges in this Country are contaminated with the principles ascribed to the Society of the Illuminati.
ARK: Which sounds exactly like what Washington would say if he was in fact, none other than Johann Adam Weishaupt!
CCK: Weishaupt had been forced to flee Bavaria in 1784 after Karl Theodor, the Elector of Bavaria declared secret societies illegal and he did actually resemble Washington quite a bit physically and was also tall, over 6 feet. But it probably would have been pretty hard to cover up his German accent and he was publishing multiple books about Illuminati theory from the Gotha region of Germany from 1785 to 1787. Weishaupt died in Gotha on 18 November 1830 and was survived by his second wife, Anna Maria and his children Nanette, Charlotte, Ernst, Karl, Eduard, and Alfred. So apparently he’d been too busy to come to America and single white female George.
ARK: The Illuminati beliefs however were viewed with acceptance by some early Founding Fathers. Jefferson wrote to Madison that Weishaupt was an “enthusiastic Philanthropist” and an outstandingly moral person.
CCK: You must be out of your GD mind! So Weishaupt probably didn’t murder Washington, but there was a plot to do just that, which introduces our new segment, By Jove, it’s an actual Conspiracy!
ARK: In the days leading up to the signing of the Declaration of Independence in July 1776, 20,000 people congregated in a field outside what is now Manhattan's Chinatown. They were assembled to see the public execution of Thomas Hickey, a member of the elite guard charged with protecting George Washington, who had been convicted of mutiny and sedition two days prior and was hung for his crimes on the morning of June 28, 1776.
CCK: Despite the fact that he was the only one hanged, Hickey was actually part of a much larger plot devised by British loyalists to assassinate Washington. Though this conspiracy was mentioned briefly in historical records, it wasn’t until 2018, when Brad Meltzer, known for writing political thrillers published a non-fiction book co-written with Josh Mensch called “The First Conspiracy” that details of the plot really came to light.
ARK: In an interview with the Smithsonian Magazine, Meltzer addresses why details of this plot were not more well known before his book: “The assassination plot is hidden history. When the British were coming, the last thing Washington wanted to say was, “Hey, everyone, my own men just turned on me.”
CCK: Not everyone in the colonies was stoked about the idea of overthrowing British rule and at the beginning of the Revolutionary War, the governor and the mayor of New York who had been appointed by the British government and who were both British loyalists, turned some of Washington’s personal guards against him.
ARK: The plot might have succeeded if it weren’t for the Committee for Detecting and Defeating Conspiracies. Established by the New York Provincial Congress in June 1776 the committee was created in New York to gather intelligence, catch British spies and couriers, and investigate suspected British sympathizers. As the plot against Washington developed, word of it started to spread and the gossip reached the ears of John Jay, a lawyer and Continental Congress delegate, who managed to identify the conspirators and bring the whole group down.
CCK: The culprits were secretly arrested and interrogated. Thomas Hickey was plucked out as the unlucky example and hanged in public to discourage other loyalists. And it seemingly worked. Washington went on to finish his eight year tenure as president in 1797 and died of natural causes on December 14, 1799 at the age of 67.
ARK & CCK: OR DID HE!
CCK: I knew you were going to say that.
ARK: Well, you gotta admit, it’s pretty weird that he lost 40% of his blood before he died. Was George Washington in fact assassinated by vampires?
CCK: I believe he was murdered by malpractice. Based on accounts from Washington’s secretary at the time of his death, Tobias Lear, on a cold and rainy day two days prior to his death, Washington rode around his estate at Mount Vernon. When he got back to the house, he chose to stay in his wet clothing so that he would be on time for supper.
ARK: Later that night, Washington awoke his wife Martha, complaining that he was very sick and couldn't breathe or speak on his own. Albin Rawlins, the overseer at Mount Vernon, was instructed to bleed him. Doctors arrived and bled him four more times over the next eight hours, resulting in a 40 percent blood loss.
CCK: Nothing like a little, er a crap-ton of bloodletting to strengthen your ability to fight the common cold!
ARK: Washington's last words, said Lear, were spoken around 10 p.m. on December 14, he said: “I am just going! Have me decently buried; and do not let my body be put into the vault less than three days after I am dead. Do you understand me? . . . Tis well!”
CCK: But it wasn’t well. Washington was dead.
ARK: Over the years, many different theories have emerged regarding the exact illness that Washington had, diphtheria, croup, septic sore throat, quinsy, Ludwig’s angina, Vincent’s angina…
CCK: Old Gregg’s Mangina
ARK: A peritonsillar abscess, pneumonia, but the most likely one based on all accounts is acute bacterial epiglottitis, first proposed by a Dr. David Morens in the New England Journal of Medicine in 1999. Dr. Morens is an epidemiologist and a Senior Advisor to the Director of the National Institute for Microbiology and Infectious Diseases.
CCK: Should we wrap this up with some more quotes from Washington?
ARK: Absolutely not. It must be nice
CCK: Must be nice…
ARK: To have Washington on your side.